The most important out-of-the-box question to ask a therapist
So you’re looking for professional help from a Psychologist or therapist. You finally find a few that seem promising and that actually have availability. You schedule a consultation, but what now? What should you ask? And, how would you know if you should move forward based on their answers? As a Psychologist in Orange County who provides psychotherapy, I propose an out-of-the-box, super helpful question for you to ask.
What is the most important question to ask a therapist?
Based on my 12 years of experience as a licensed Clinical Psychologist, the most important question is, "Have you undergone psychotherapy yourself?"
I’m usually met with a pause and a quizzical look when I tell people this. I get it. It’s such a basic question that you don’t think to ask. You assumed that they’ve had therapy themselves. After all, why wouldn’t they? They must believe in the value and effectiveness of their chosen profession, right?
Not all psychotherapists get psychotherapy and it shows!
Let me share with you when I realized how wrong I was to assume this. A few years into my private practice, I wanted to take on a Psychological Assistant to join my office. This is usually someone who enrolled in a Psychology graduate program. They've finished their coursework and now collecting clinical experience hours to get licensed. They would provide psychotherapy to clients, and I would supervise their work. One of my interview questions is, “Have you ever had psychotherapy before?” I was expecting everyone to answer “yes” to this basic question. This would lead me to ask other questions to see how much self-reflection and insight they have.
To my surprise, many responded with a “no”. They explained that their graduate program didn't require students to have personal therapy. That explanation didn’t help their case with me. Just because the program didn’t require it, doesn't mean that they can’t pursue it themselves! It shocked me how someone would want to be in this profession and not know what it’s like to be “on the couch”.
Why is this important? What makes a good therapist?
To me, the basic requirement of a good therapist is someone who has experienced the humility of admitting they need help. Someone who knows how nervous you get in the few minutes before the first appointment. Someone who experienced the frustration of change not happening fast enough. Someone who feels profoundly moved at being seen, known, and valued by the therapist.
The analogy that I like to use is this. You have a toothache. It’s been throbbing and aching. And you can’t chew on that side of the mouth anymore. You need to have it examined and treated by a dentist. Would you prefer to go to a dentist who had toothaches in the past and needed dental treatment? Or would you prefer to go to a dentist blessed with impeccable teeth and never needed dental work? Whom would you trust to come near your throbbing tooth with the sharp dental pick and a drill in hand? Someone who has personal experience? Or someone who knows it intellectually from school?
No brainer, right? Of course, you’d want a dentist who has undergone dental treatment! The same goes for psychotherapy. You are essentially handing over your psyche to the therapist on a silver platter. You need to know that you’re in good hands with someone who knows how painful it is. And what the journey feels like to come through the other side.
The benefits of asking this one provocative question
Another benefit of asking the question is you get to gauge the therapist’s capacity to “be there” for you and help you. Their answer gives you information about whether they've done their own work to heal. Are they psychologically healthy and emotionally available to you? If they have, these therapists know their own trigger points and blind spots. So when your problems hit one of these spots during treatment, you can rest assured that your therapist knows how to take care of themselves. And by extension, take care of you.
Other important questions to ask your therapist
Hopefully, the potential therapist would answer affirmatively that they have undergone personal therapy. That’s great! We are off to a promising start! But you’re not going to stop there. You are going to ask these follow-up questions:
"How long were you in therapy for?"
There are a lot of psychotherapy programs out there with varying quality. The minimum duration for the programs that require their students to have personal therapy is typically 1 year. So the answer you want to hear from your potential therapist is that they’ve had more than one year of therapy. If you only hear a year, then you know that they did the absolute minimum to satisfy their program to graduate.
"How frequently were your psychotherapy sessions?"
The answer you want to hear to this question is weekly sessions, not every other week, or once a month. The gold standard of psychotherapy treatment is once-a-week sessions. That much contact is necessary to allow trust and rapport to develop. Anything less frequent is checking in on symptoms and tweaking symptom management. There is not enough contact time for deep relationship changes to occur.
Is this too much to ask of a therapist?
You might be cringing a bit thinking, “I can never ask these questions! It’s too intrusive and I don’t want to offend the therapist.” I appreciate your thoughtfulness. But I believe you have the right to know the “credentials” of your future therapist. Also, seeing how the therapist reacts to this question is incredibly revealing about who they are. You have a right to ask, and they have a right to answer or not. Even if they choose not to answer this question, you’d get information about them to use in your decision-making process.
Conclusion from your Orange County Psychologist
I hope this helps you have a different perspective going into a phone consultation with a potential therapist. You want to think that everyone in this profession has done their own work on themselves. But this question is too important to merely assume they have. Asking these questions will give you the peace of mind that your psyche is in good hands. Visit my website and book a free consultation to hear how I answer these questions and how I can help you.